What Has Happened?

Have decided to not blog anymore. It takes up too much effort to sign on here, type out at least 3 long paragraphs about life, and then be on my way. That, and personally I prefer the written word. Like, on paper. So this is my goodbye, but for those of you that stay interested in my life, or at least in this blog, my Twitter is no longer private so it can be read by those of you that either think tweeting is pointless and stupid or just don't want an account. http://twitter.com/lunahowell See ya there. <3 Luna

The Past, Present, and Future

Past: finished school. Only one of the three (out of over 200) that's going to IB. Mitch and Graham stopped talking though Mitchell is staying with the band around this fall. Found my summer reading assignment and I think it only appears scary. Already read one of the books before so I'm just gonna reread. Michael Jacobs broke up with Chelsi for going to IB.

Present: band's okay. Working. Cleaning for the birthday party this monday night at my place. Family and bestfriends Chelsi and Sam. Makes me think about last year and what was happening. Buying the things I need for my second summer of TIP. It's gonna be love love love. Phone dying internally and will be replacing/fixing it this monday as well. Can't lose my pictures. That'd destroy me completely. Kinda writing but not. Don't feel the need. New project for the one-year but not saying what it is just yet. He can find out for himself. Getting back to normal emotionally (if you can consider this normal. I don't know.), I think. Does hanging up on your boyfriend consitute as normal? Watched B. Button. Kinda creepy. Love music. Next song for the show is Blvd. of Broken Dreams, Green Day. Weston and I are doing the FOB (okay just Patrick) cover of Akon's "Don't Matter". Lots of love 'cause it's easy. Can't wait for so many summer things...

Future: birthday in exactly 3 days, give or take some hours. I can't buy anything new because of this and I hate that Sims 3 came out and I can't get it yet to waste my time with. The sleepover with Chels and Sam shall be amazing. We all love that girl bonding time. It totally rules to basically live a single life yet not really be single. Totally rules (most of the time). My top picks for birthday present (friends or family): Grestch Stump-o-Matic Corvette electric guitar, a visit from Graham, or Sims 3. Dress rehearsal for recital is on my birthday, this coming tuesday. The recital itself is wednesday the 17th. Yay... TIP next month. Yay!!! Plan to get new music. Will missing the past come into play? The uncomplicated-before-Mitchell-and-cheating-and-still-wanting-the-physical-even-though-I-know-it's-wrong past?

Whoa. Music in my ears. I'm thinking of two pictures before sleep:

Right Now, Tonight

Graham and Mitchell are talking. Or at least, they were. What a big big big mess we are going to have here... This is what happens when you're just not strong enough at the moment. And I regret this. <3 Luna

Whoa.

Band's okay. Mitch quit, but no one seems too sad about that. Way too much drama there...

I'm not going to say anything that's happened relating to Mitchell in the past week or so. If Graham wants to post a comment to tell, he's welcome to.

Three days left, one being graduation itself. It's scary, knowing this part of my life is over, and yet it feels so right to leave it all behind. Positive and negative ghosts haunt the campus, but doesn't that happen everywhere?

A little over a week until my birthday. Excitement or no? The only thing I want for it is impossible to get because his dad says that my birthday is too close to TIP for a visit. I say that, with everything that's happened, let the visit commence. Uck...

Music has been ringing through my ears every night. Can't wait for summer so I can just listen all the time. What melodies can do for the soul is just amazing...

Poor, poor Weston and his past with Sara...

Gotta go; Marshall's run for dance pants.

Speaking of dance: fourth year trophy says "Lyrical, Jazz, Pointe, Tap, Competition, and Assistant Teacher"

<3 Luna

"It's Just Too Much"

For you "inquiring minds", that would be a lyric. One of the songs by Between The Trees. New album this coming month. Can't wait. And of course Blogger decides to be stupid today and not let me press "Enter"... <3 Luna

Band Update

There is an issued band meeting today. Finally...

Okay, so it's really a pool party that Weston wormed me into, but hey I'll take any way of getting a meeting in. No sleep because a) my cell was ringing with texts and calls and b) Graham thought it was a real good idea to call my house at midnight. Yeah. And my mom, with the experience of no good calls come in late at night *cough-last summer-cough*, thought someone was dying. And when she read the caller ID, saw it was Graham, and spoke, he hung up. Not good today. Oh well. Meeting at 1 and I have to go to the store to pick up a bass amp for Mitchell on my way over. This is going to be interesting. <3 Luna

Band Meeting

Practice was cancelled yesterday because Weston decided to flip out on his grandmother repeatedly. Great...

We can't decide on songs to do because we're never together. And now that all the band spots have been filled, we need to decide on a name. Which we can't do because we all aren't together ever. We had a mini band meeting Friday, but without our lead guitarist Taylor and Mitchell was only there for his lesson. So Weston and I walked around, just talking.

I'm not at liberty to say what happened, but he's gone through alot of life pain.

7 days left of school. 7 days until the summer. Then another month or so until TIP again. It's going to be heaven. Really, it is. Plans for the off days of this summer are just to write alot, catch up on sleep, read the required reading for IB (which no one has been able to find), and get band practice in, whether alone or together. And start saving up for my Grestch Stump-o-matic Corvette electric. It's amazing. And going to take forever to save up. Ugh...

Spent all day yesterday shopping. My feet are killing me. And when I say all day, I mean all day. From noon to 6; then my mom, stepdad, stepsister, her boyfriend, and I ate dinner to catch Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. It was hysterical, but what killed it was having the Jonas Brothers in it. God, they disgust me...

Still listening to music at all times. It's my only way out of reality, and I take any breaks I can get.

Sam has convinced Chelsi not to do IB and stay with her at Mitchell. The only reason Sam's even doing Mitchell is to stay with her boyfriend, who's probably just going to break up with her anyway. She and Chelsi won't even have any classes together, while if they both went to IB, all three of us would have probably a majority of classes together. Sam's said on numerous occasions how Chelsi and I are her only friends. Why would she go to a school where she doesn't know anyone, or everyone hates her, for a boyfriend that doesn't appreciate the sacrifice?

Whatever, it's their decision, it's their life. Now all I have to worry about is Sherron going to IB, since we aren't exactly friends...

Let me say one thing on that: the only reason Sam and I said those things to her was for her to get the message of "we don't appreciate the way you friend-hop". It wasn't to be mean, it wasn't for her to feel bad, we just needed a way for her to get it, considering we tried in every other way. I know that it was wrong to sink to her level, but that's the only way she'd ever understand.

My mom has a twitter account and she wants to find mine. Uh oh...

The key in life is love of all kinds. And what other people don't get is that there are many types of love.

It's 8:12 this morning; shower, listen to music while getting dressed, talk to Graham/Mitchell (about band practice ideas), write.

<3 Luna

Early.

Third or fourth night without sleep this week. I feel perfectly fine.

I'm going to say it because it's driving me crazy and I have to say something: IacoGwmbM.

Good luck figuring it out.

Show last week went really well. We have practice this Saturday (Weston's place) at 1:30 and Mitchell, our bassist, has decided to propose the idea of a movie for all four of us afterwards; suggestion sounds good and I'm only going for it if it stays with that Night at the Museum sequel. Looks good. We're also going to discuss bandnames and songs to learn next. And, apparently, I'm going to get thrown in the pool. By Weston, for pushing him in when he let the basketball go into the water and no one could reach it. I did not push him in; he fell.

Worried about what happened last night. I'll find out sometime today I guess.

What was said in that fake fight in that fake scene still hurts. I know some of it was true, regardless of what Graham says. What hurts worse, and these inflictions are still "bleeding", is that he's been lying to me. About cutting. Again.

During the past month in which we've been fighting he cut twice and lied to my face about it. It isn't the cutting that makes me the most upset, though it is upsetting. It's the lying I can't stand. He's...... I don't know. The score of broken promises is 5 and 5; I'd like to keep it that way.

Never going to my dad's again and am telling him tonight that I mean it. Finally.

Still writing alot of acrostics and free verse. More later, I guess.

10 days left of school. I'm flipping. I can't wait.

*smiles* Big things at dance class, we hope.

Okay. It's 5:43 and I should probably go take a shower or blast my music really loud and dance around to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

5.5 on FCAT Writes. It's effing rigged, I swear, but I'm still going to that YMCA pool thing tomorrow instead of school. I'll just sit there and write. Or hang with Sammy. Haven't decided yet. The Geometry exams are next week and I have a Circles test this Friday. I'm screwed.

Too much running around in my head. I should put it on paper but I won't. It's too scary for the world to see.

Mr. Stump, you sure know how to distract a lady.

<3 Luna

Need Background Information?

A link to my past: http://growinguplove.blogspot.com

Awhile.

Well.



He and I skipped the extra few days and we talked that night. Reconciled and now everything's cool. Maybe better. I don't know for sure.



Before news on Father and that hell I am legally forced to go to, I've been writing poetry lately. Mostly acrostics, but still. One free verse, titled "Through the Looking Glass" to represent a few things. It's the story of my past year.



Oh Dad.... He and I decided to quarral about my being a "completely rotten person all of the time" and that he isn't going "to allow people who love you get hurt because you don't love them back". Yes, apparently I treat my stepmother and stepsister and stepbrother badly by not interacting at all. And not getting my stepmother a Mother's Day gift. She's not my mother, she didn't raise me, nor did she give birth to any one of my parents. So no gift is earned. Sue is a bitch, clear and blunt.



I don't purposely try to shut out Nick and Amanda; it just happens that, maybe, I have things I need to do. It's not like I'm 6 or 7 again and have absolutely nothing to do or needs to be done or anything. I have a life. Plus, somebody worth talking to that will actually listen and try to understand.



So yeah. At the end of that fight, he told me to either scrub of my attitude or don't bother coming back to his house to keep "mistreating" people. So I chose the latter. Because I don't like it there anyways.

14 days left of school. Roughly 2 months until TIP. 2 months exactly until one whole year has gone by. And, if everything works out the way we both want it to, one year is just the beginning.

Not going to say anything about what Graham went searching for yesterday while I was at dance. He can say so for himself if he'd like.

Okay. School now. Maybe.

<3 Luna

The Two Countdowns

Twenty-seven days left of school. Twenty-seven days left of middle school. Twenty-seven days until I can put those three years behind me in a school where almost no one knows me.

Except those two or three that already attend the school, and the couple that are entering as freshman. (You all know who you are)

Trig test today in Geom. class. Easy. Really easy, but the teacher stood up her whole class at Panera last night; we were supposed to have a study session for the test, but she never showed... I hope she's okay.

About two and a half months until TIP '09; I've been looking forward to this since I got home last summer. I wonder what kind of madness could ensue the day before in Graham and I's happy place...(so as he occasionally puts it) That, and a year together long-distance is a big step. Constant contact helps.

We worked out, sort of, the issue last time. We're making work our thirty minutes on the phone with AIM and Skype inbetween. Those three weeks together on campus will be amazing. We both agree to that. I need to get out of this town...

And I wondered why a couple months ago I would ever leave my state. Ha. I'm out of here the day I turn eighteen. Whether or not someone comes and gets me on that night.

Fell out of bed this morning and hit my head on the nightstand. Maybe that'll be enough to knock this dream from my mind.

Cute Is What We Aim For is in my speakers; "Doctor" to "Navigate Me". Good pieces.

Off to ready self for school. Wish me luck.

<3 Luna

Yesterday...

There's no way in words to describe what I'm feeling.

What we're feeling.

Graham's older brother (who happens to be firstborn in the family) Zach had sex with his girlfriend, and Graham caught the after-sex session of Zach putting his shirt back on.

It isn't a jealousy thing, more of an envy thing. Like, how can they be together in general with no limits? Why is it more okay for them than Graham and me?

Felt sick to my stomach all last night and still feel that way a little. My initial shock is over.

The worst part is Graham's dad doesn't seem to really care what his eldest does. Because he's the eldest. Zach attends a boarding school in the area, but skips and is failing in his classes.Yet he can be with his girlfriend (and take a trip alone with her for two days with no one there) all the time. Graham has perfect grades and always goes to school when needed, but he only gets thirty minutes on the phone with me. At the most.

I told Graham to talk to his dad, but apparently his dad fell asleep. A message to that, to Graham:

Wake him up. You have a legitimate concern, and are clearly upset because of the unfairness of the household. His job as a father, as a parent, is to be there for you kids when he is needed and listen to any problems. Don't settle for this. I can't stand to see you hurting like this.

Through my head last night, I felt a mix of nausea, suicidal attitude, and the need for change. Didn't throw up, most of the suicidal attitude has passed (but it is still here), and my need for change is still almost-clearly evident. The need for change could easily be met in breaking up with Graham.

I don't want to do that. I love him, and he loves me. That would only make things worse, and, as I've said, I don't want to lose him. But now I'm as restless for the physical relations as the emotional relations, and I don't want to be able to be labled a cheater, and so for me to get these physical relations is to get another guy. Only for the physical element.

No one could ever make me feel as good inside myself as Graham did.

My plan for today: get through school, practice guitar, talk to Graham, perform my gig, and most likely nothing else. And when I say get through school, I mean talk to no one at all and do my schoolwork as instructed. No friends, no guys, no nothing. Maybe Chelsi and Sam...

Though I hate to say it, I end this still thinking of getting away with an affair.

<3Luna