Yesterday...

There's no way in words to describe what I'm feeling.

What we're feeling.

Graham's older brother (who happens to be firstborn in the family) Zach had sex with his girlfriend, and Graham caught the after-sex session of Zach putting his shirt back on.

It isn't a jealousy thing, more of an envy thing. Like, how can they be together in general with no limits? Why is it more okay for them than Graham and me?

Felt sick to my stomach all last night and still feel that way a little. My initial shock is over.

The worst part is Graham's dad doesn't seem to really care what his eldest does. Because he's the eldest. Zach attends a boarding school in the area, but skips and is failing in his classes.Yet he can be with his girlfriend (and take a trip alone with her for two days with no one there) all the time. Graham has perfect grades and always goes to school when needed, but he only gets thirty minutes on the phone with me. At the most.

I told Graham to talk to his dad, but apparently his dad fell asleep. A message to that, to Graham:

Wake him up. You have a legitimate concern, and are clearly upset because of the unfairness of the household. His job as a father, as a parent, is to be there for you kids when he is needed and listen to any problems. Don't settle for this. I can't stand to see you hurting like this.

Through my head last night, I felt a mix of nausea, suicidal attitude, and the need for change. Didn't throw up, most of the suicidal attitude has passed (but it is still here), and my need for change is still almost-clearly evident. The need for change could easily be met in breaking up with Graham.

I don't want to do that. I love him, and he loves me. That would only make things worse, and, as I've said, I don't want to lose him. But now I'm as restless for the physical relations as the emotional relations, and I don't want to be able to be labled a cheater, and so for me to get these physical relations is to get another guy. Only for the physical element.

No one could ever make me feel as good inside myself as Graham did.

My plan for today: get through school, practice guitar, talk to Graham, perform my gig, and most likely nothing else. And when I say get through school, I mean talk to no one at all and do my schoolwork as instructed. No friends, no guys, no nothing. Maybe Chelsi and Sam...

Though I hate to say it, I end this still thinking of getting away with an affair.

<3Luna