Monday, June 22, 2009
What Has Happened?
Have decided to not blog anymore. It takes up too much effort to sign on here, type out at least 3 long paragraphs about life, and then be on my way. That, and personally I prefer the written word. Like, on paper. So this is my goodbye, but for those of you that stay interested in my life, or at least in this blog, my Twitter is no longer private so it can be read by those of you that either think tweeting is pointless and stupid or just don't want an account. http://twitter.com/lunahowell See ya there. <3 Luna
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Just Some Stuff
REPOSTING OF BLOG UPDATES (not mine): The Past Year
In the past year, a lot has happened in my life. On May 18, 2008, I was a tubby kid with braces, glasses that I wore more that I was supposed to, a happy-go-lucky attitude, and a lot of free time in the 7th grade. I rode my bike when I got too bored, played D&D or Magic the Gathering with my older brother Zach when I got the chance, and I mowed lawns for cash. I was around 5'8 and 180 pounds. I was basically a big nerd, and like all good nerds I went to nerd camp and met a Goddess who you wouldn't expect to find at a nerd camp like this, not because she wasn't smart, but because she was just so beautiful. Her name was Luna.She apparently thought I looked pretty good too, because she asked me out on the second day of the three week camp without having said a word to me before that. We went out together for the entire three week camp, going to dances held each week and spending almost every free second we had together. We were the only couple at TIP that stayed together the whole time, and we still have yet to break up. We've been going out for 10 months now.There's only one problem with our relationship: She lives in Florida, while I live in North Carolina. In the whole 10 months we've been together, we've only been in each other's physical company for a total of 22 days. After about 2 months of being boyfriend and girlfriend, we found out something that we have in common: we both yearned for parenthood. It's true, I want to be a father, I have no fear of commitment with Luna, other guys would say I'm insane. She wanted to be a mother as well, and I seemed to be the right guy to be the father of her children. So at 13, I was promised sex, children, and marriage to a girl that I had only known for 2 months, and there was no doubt about it that we loved each other more than anyone could comprehend.As time went on I found out some other things about Luna. She had a boyfriend at the time she asked me out, and she didn't break up with him for the remainder of TIP. She was reluctant to tell me this, thinking that I would take it the wrong way and dump her, but actually it was a huge self-esteem booster for me because that meant that not only did I look awesome, I looked better than her boyfriend, so much so that she was willing to cheat on him. Another, less positive, thing I learned was of a horrible disease I had never heard of before that she had. It's a mental disease, a combonation of high susceptibility to depression and a high tolerence in pain. It's called cutting, and as I learned later on it is contagious.I made her promise that she wouldn't do it again, but during the fall and winter of '08, she broke that promise 3 times. I was heartbroken each time, and on December 28, the day before Luna was coming, I tried it for myself. I was cleaning my room at the time, when I found a shard of glass in the carpet. I cut my left forearm until there was a bloody patch of cuts, which I could disguise as a natural accident. I choose to go with "I fell out of a tree" to cover up the truth.During her visit with me, we went on a walk around Lake Johnson to a specific place, a little rock garden and waterfall off the spillway of the dam. I had labeled this place as my Happy Place, because it was an amazing place in comparison to the city around it. At our happy place, we started making out and I got on top of her. We were going to execute our plans for parenthood then and there, but the only problem was that we ran out of time. We were supposed to meet her mother in three minutes when we checked to see how much time we had left. Afterwards we went on a movie and dinner date, making out most of the time during the movie.After her visit not much happened until Valentine's day, where I gave her a box of chocolate, a wreath of roses, and a card, which she thinks is beautifully written. No promises were broken, until march came around. During early march she broke the promise and cut, I learned this via text message right before I went to bed. I was too broken to respond, but that night I cut, 4 on my face. I did it right where she could see it (we had webcams by that time,) because I wanted her to know what it felt like to have a loved one hurt themselves. It worked, but then I got hooked; later that month I cut again, two on my right shoulder, then six on my chest after I had to leave her again after my visit in Florida during Spring Break in April.That same week that I had cut my chest, she cut again. I wasn't sad like before, I was pretty ticked, and I yelled at her that night, cursing the most I've ever cursed in my life (I'm against cursing in general, except for when its needed.) We then made up and re-established the promise, but we still fought more than any other relationship could stand for the next month. We were having trust issues and my dad was limiting the time we could talk on the phone. During these fights, I cut twice, and she didn't cut at all, I'm still ashamed of that, but I didn't tell her until last night.Two days ago I cut, 8 on my shoulder. Last night I came clean and told Luna about all of the times I cut that she didn't know about. We didn't really fight at all, and by this morning she has already forgiven me. The score is now 5 to 5, we've each broken 5 promises.In the past year I've gone from a 7th grade loser with an even bigger loser as a girlfriend to an 8th grade heartthrob (or so I've been told) with a girlfriend who tells me I'm a heartthrob. I'm still around 180 but now I'm 5'10, and I'm also more muscular. I've gone through alot of changes in the past year, most of them good ones.
In the past year, a lot has happened in my life. On May 18, 2008, I was a tubby kid with braces, glasses that I wore more that I was supposed to, a happy-go-lucky attitude, and a lot of free time in the 7th grade. I rode my bike when I got too bored, played D&D or Magic the Gathering with my older brother Zach when I got the chance, and I mowed lawns for cash. I was around 5'8 and 180 pounds. I was basically a big nerd, and like all good nerds I went to nerd camp and met a Goddess who you wouldn't expect to find at a nerd camp like this, not because she wasn't smart, but because she was just so beautiful. Her name was Luna.She apparently thought I looked pretty good too, because she asked me out on the second day of the three week camp without having said a word to me before that. We went out together for the entire three week camp, going to dances held each week and spending almost every free second we had together. We were the only couple at TIP that stayed together the whole time, and we still have yet to break up. We've been going out for 10 months now.There's only one problem with our relationship: She lives in Florida, while I live in North Carolina. In the whole 10 months we've been together, we've only been in each other's physical company for a total of 22 days. After about 2 months of being boyfriend and girlfriend, we found out something that we have in common: we both yearned for parenthood. It's true, I want to be a father, I have no fear of commitment with Luna, other guys would say I'm insane. She wanted to be a mother as well, and I seemed to be the right guy to be the father of her children. So at 13, I was promised sex, children, and marriage to a girl that I had only known for 2 months, and there was no doubt about it that we loved each other more than anyone could comprehend.As time went on I found out some other things about Luna. She had a boyfriend at the time she asked me out, and she didn't break up with him for the remainder of TIP. She was reluctant to tell me this, thinking that I would take it the wrong way and dump her, but actually it was a huge self-esteem booster for me because that meant that not only did I look awesome, I looked better than her boyfriend, so much so that she was willing to cheat on him. Another, less positive, thing I learned was of a horrible disease I had never heard of before that she had. It's a mental disease, a combonation of high susceptibility to depression and a high tolerence in pain. It's called cutting, and as I learned later on it is contagious.I made her promise that she wouldn't do it again, but during the fall and winter of '08, she broke that promise 3 times. I was heartbroken each time, and on December 28, the day before Luna was coming, I tried it for myself. I was cleaning my room at the time, when I found a shard of glass in the carpet. I cut my left forearm until there was a bloody patch of cuts, which I could disguise as a natural accident. I choose to go with "I fell out of a tree" to cover up the truth.During her visit with me, we went on a walk around Lake Johnson to a specific place, a little rock garden and waterfall off the spillway of the dam. I had labeled this place as my Happy Place, because it was an amazing place in comparison to the city around it. At our happy place, we started making out and I got on top of her. We were going to execute our plans for parenthood then and there, but the only problem was that we ran out of time. We were supposed to meet her mother in three minutes when we checked to see how much time we had left. Afterwards we went on a movie and dinner date, making out most of the time during the movie.After her visit not much happened until Valentine's day, where I gave her a box of chocolate, a wreath of roses, and a card, which she thinks is beautifully written. No promises were broken, until march came around. During early march she broke the promise and cut, I learned this via text message right before I went to bed. I was too broken to respond, but that night I cut, 4 on my face. I did it right where she could see it (we had webcams by that time,) because I wanted her to know what it felt like to have a loved one hurt themselves. It worked, but then I got hooked; later that month I cut again, two on my right shoulder, then six on my chest after I had to leave her again after my visit in Florida during Spring Break in April.That same week that I had cut my chest, she cut again. I wasn't sad like before, I was pretty ticked, and I yelled at her that night, cursing the most I've ever cursed in my life (I'm against cursing in general, except for when its needed.) We then made up and re-established the promise, but we still fought more than any other relationship could stand for the next month. We were having trust issues and my dad was limiting the time we could talk on the phone. During these fights, I cut twice, and she didn't cut at all, I'm still ashamed of that, but I didn't tell her until last night.Two days ago I cut, 8 on my shoulder. Last night I came clean and told Luna about all of the times I cut that she didn't know about. We didn't really fight at all, and by this morning she has already forgiven me. The score is now 5 to 5, we've each broken 5 promises.In the past year I've gone from a 7th grade loser with an even bigger loser as a girlfriend to an 8th grade heartthrob (or so I've been told) with a girlfriend who tells me I'm a heartthrob. I'm still around 180 but now I'm 5'10, and I'm also more muscular. I've gone through alot of changes in the past year, most of them good ones.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
The Past, Present, and Future
Past: finished school. Only one of the three (out of over 200) that's going to IB. Mitch and Graham stopped talking though Mitchell is staying with the band around this fall. Found my summer reading assignment and I think it only appears scary. Already read one of the books before so I'm just gonna reread. Michael Jacobs broke up with Chelsi for going to IB.
Present: band's okay. Working. Cleaning for the birthday party this monday night at my place. Family and bestfriends Chelsi and Sam. Makes me think about last year and what was happening. Buying the things I need for my second summer of TIP. It's gonna be love love love. Phone dying internally and will be replacing/fixing it this monday as well. Can't lose my pictures. That'd destroy me completely. Kinda writing but not. Don't feel the need. New project for the one-year but not saying what it is just yet. He can find out for himself. Getting back to normal emotionally (if you can consider this normal. I don't know.), I think. Does hanging up on your boyfriend consitute as normal? Watched B. Button. Kinda creepy. Love music. Next song for the show is Blvd. of Broken Dreams, Green Day. Weston and I are doing the FOB (okay just Patrick) cover of Akon's "Don't Matter". Lots of love 'cause it's easy. Can't wait for so many summer things...
Future: birthday in exactly 3 days, give or take some hours. I can't buy anything new because of this and I hate that Sims 3 came out and I can't get it yet to waste my time with. The sleepover with Chels and Sam shall be amazing. We all love that girl bonding time. It totally rules to basically live a single life yet not really be single. Totally rules (most of the time). My top picks for birthday present (friends or family): Grestch Stump-o-Matic Corvette electric guitar, a visit from Graham, or Sims 3. Dress rehearsal for recital is on my birthday, this coming tuesday. The recital itself is wednesday the 17th. Yay... TIP next month. Yay!!! Plan to get new music. Will missing the past come into play? The uncomplicated-before-Mitchell-and-cheating-and-still-wanting-the-physical-even-though-I-know-it's-wrong past?
Whoa. Music in my ears. I'm thinking of two pictures before sleep:
Monday, June 1, 2009
Right Now, Tonight
Graham and Mitchell are talking. Or at least, they were. What a big big big mess we are going to have here... This is what happens when you're just not strong enough at the moment. And I regret this. <3 Luna
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Whoa.
Band's okay. Mitch quit, but no one seems too sad about that. Way too much drama there...
I'm not going to say anything that's happened relating to Mitchell in the past week or so. If Graham wants to post a comment to tell, he's welcome to.
Three days left, one being graduation itself. It's scary, knowing this part of my life is over, and yet it feels so right to leave it all behind. Positive and negative ghosts haunt the campus, but doesn't that happen everywhere?
A little over a week until my birthday. Excitement or no? The only thing I want for it is impossible to get because his dad says that my birthday is too close to TIP for a visit. I say that, with everything that's happened, let the visit commence. Uck...
Music has been ringing through my ears every night. Can't wait for summer so I can just listen all the time. What melodies can do for the soul is just amazing...
Poor, poor Weston and his past with Sara...
Gotta go; Marshall's run for dance pants.
Speaking of dance: fourth year trophy says "Lyrical, Jazz, Pointe, Tap, Competition, and Assistant Teacher"
<3 Luna
I'm not going to say anything that's happened relating to Mitchell in the past week or so. If Graham wants to post a comment to tell, he's welcome to.
Three days left, one being graduation itself. It's scary, knowing this part of my life is over, and yet it feels so right to leave it all behind. Positive and negative ghosts haunt the campus, but doesn't that happen everywhere?
A little over a week until my birthday. Excitement or no? The only thing I want for it is impossible to get because his dad says that my birthday is too close to TIP for a visit. I say that, with everything that's happened, let the visit commence. Uck...
Music has been ringing through my ears every night. Can't wait for summer so I can just listen all the time. What melodies can do for the soul is just amazing...
Poor, poor Weston and his past with Sara...
Gotta go; Marshall's run for dance pants.
Speaking of dance: fourth year trophy says "Lyrical, Jazz, Pointe, Tap, Competition, and Assistant Teacher"
<3 Luna
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
"It's Just Too Much"
For you "inquiring minds", that would be a lyric. One of the songs by Between The Trees. New album this coming month. Can't wait. And of course Blogger decides to be stupid today and not let me press "Enter"... <3 Luna
Monday, May 25, 2009
Band Update
There is an issued band meeting today. Finally...
Okay, so it's really a pool party that Weston wormed me into, but hey I'll take any way of getting a meeting in. No sleep because a) my cell was ringing with texts and calls and b) Graham thought it was a real good idea to call my house at midnight. Yeah. And my mom, with the experience of no good calls come in late at night *cough-last summer-cough*, thought someone was dying. And when she read the caller ID, saw it was Graham, and spoke, he hung up. Not good today. Oh well. Meeting at 1 and I have to go to the store to pick up a bass amp for Mitchell on my way over. This is going to be interesting. <3 Luna
Okay, so it's really a pool party that Weston wormed me into, but hey I'll take any way of getting a meeting in. No sleep because a) my cell was ringing with texts and calls and b) Graham thought it was a real good idea to call my house at midnight. Yeah. And my mom, with the experience of no good calls come in late at night *cough-last summer-cough*, thought someone was dying. And when she read the caller ID, saw it was Graham, and spoke, he hung up. Not good today. Oh well. Meeting at 1 and I have to go to the store to pick up a bass amp for Mitchell on my way over. This is going to be interesting. <3 Luna
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Band Meeting
Practice was cancelled yesterday because Weston decided to flip out on his grandmother repeatedly. Great...
We can't decide on songs to do because we're never together. And now that all the band spots have been filled, we need to decide on a name. Which we can't do because we all aren't together ever. We had a mini band meeting Friday, but without our lead guitarist Taylor and Mitchell was only there for his lesson. So Weston and I walked around, just talking.
I'm not at liberty to say what happened, but he's gone through alot of life pain.
7 days left of school. 7 days until the summer. Then another month or so until TIP again. It's going to be heaven. Really, it is. Plans for the off days of this summer are just to write alot, catch up on sleep, read the required reading for IB (which no one has been able to find), and get band practice in, whether alone or together. And start saving up for my Grestch Stump-o-matic Corvette electric. It's amazing. And going to take forever to save up. Ugh...
Spent all day yesterday shopping. My feet are killing me. And when I say all day, I mean all day. From noon to 6; then my mom, stepdad, stepsister, her boyfriend, and I ate dinner to catch Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. It was hysterical, but what killed it was having the Jonas Brothers in it. God, they disgust me...
Still listening to music at all times. It's my only way out of reality, and I take any breaks I can get.
Sam has convinced Chelsi not to do IB and stay with her at Mitchell. The only reason Sam's even doing Mitchell is to stay with her boyfriend, who's probably just going to break up with her anyway. She and Chelsi won't even have any classes together, while if they both went to IB, all three of us would have probably a majority of classes together. Sam's said on numerous occasions how Chelsi and I are her only friends. Why would she go to a school where she doesn't know anyone, or everyone hates her, for a boyfriend that doesn't appreciate the sacrifice?
Whatever, it's their decision, it's their life. Now all I have to worry about is Sherron going to IB, since we aren't exactly friends...
Let me say one thing on that: the only reason Sam and I said those things to her was for her to get the message of "we don't appreciate the way you friend-hop". It wasn't to be mean, it wasn't for her to feel bad, we just needed a way for her to get it, considering we tried in every other way. I know that it was wrong to sink to her level, but that's the only way she'd ever understand.
My mom has a twitter account and she wants to find mine. Uh oh...
The key in life is love of all kinds. And what other people don't get is that there are many types of love.
It's 8:12 this morning; shower, listen to music while getting dressed, talk to Graham/Mitchell (about band practice ideas), write.
<3 Luna
We can't decide on songs to do because we're never together. And now that all the band spots have been filled, we need to decide on a name. Which we can't do because we all aren't together ever. We had a mini band meeting Friday, but without our lead guitarist Taylor and Mitchell was only there for his lesson. So Weston and I walked around, just talking.
I'm not at liberty to say what happened, but he's gone through alot of life pain.
7 days left of school. 7 days until the summer. Then another month or so until TIP again. It's going to be heaven. Really, it is. Plans for the off days of this summer are just to write alot, catch up on sleep, read the required reading for IB (which no one has been able to find), and get band practice in, whether alone or together. And start saving up for my Grestch Stump-o-matic Corvette electric. It's amazing. And going to take forever to save up. Ugh...
Spent all day yesterday shopping. My feet are killing me. And when I say all day, I mean all day. From noon to 6; then my mom, stepdad, stepsister, her boyfriend, and I ate dinner to catch Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. It was hysterical, but what killed it was having the Jonas Brothers in it. God, they disgust me...
Still listening to music at all times. It's my only way out of reality, and I take any breaks I can get.
Sam has convinced Chelsi not to do IB and stay with her at Mitchell. The only reason Sam's even doing Mitchell is to stay with her boyfriend, who's probably just going to break up with her anyway. She and Chelsi won't even have any classes together, while if they both went to IB, all three of us would have probably a majority of classes together. Sam's said on numerous occasions how Chelsi and I are her only friends. Why would she go to a school where she doesn't know anyone, or everyone hates her, for a boyfriend that doesn't appreciate the sacrifice?
Whatever, it's their decision, it's their life. Now all I have to worry about is Sherron going to IB, since we aren't exactly friends...
Let me say one thing on that: the only reason Sam and I said those things to her was for her to get the message of "we don't appreciate the way you friend-hop". It wasn't to be mean, it wasn't for her to feel bad, we just needed a way for her to get it, considering we tried in every other way. I know that it was wrong to sink to her level, but that's the only way she'd ever understand.
My mom has a twitter account and she wants to find mine. Uh oh...
The key in life is love of all kinds. And what other people don't get is that there are many types of love.
It's 8:12 this morning; shower, listen to music while getting dressed, talk to Graham/Mitchell (about band practice ideas), write.
<3 Luna
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Early.
Third or fourth night without sleep this week. I feel perfectly fine.
I'm going to say it because it's driving me crazy and I have to say something: IacoGwmbM.
Good luck figuring it out.
Show last week went really well. We have practice this Saturday (Weston's place) at 1:30 and Mitchell, our bassist, has decided to propose the idea of a movie for all four of us afterwards; suggestion sounds good and I'm only going for it if it stays with that Night at the Museum sequel. Looks good. We're also going to discuss bandnames and songs to learn next. And, apparently, I'm going to get thrown in the pool. By Weston, for pushing him in when he let the basketball go into the water and no one could reach it. I did not push him in; he fell.
Worried about what happened last night. I'll find out sometime today I guess.
What was said in that fake fight in that fake scene still hurts. I know some of it was true, regardless of what Graham says. What hurts worse, and these inflictions are still "bleeding", is that he's been lying to me. About cutting. Again.
During the past month in which we've been fighting he cut twice and lied to my face about it. It isn't the cutting that makes me the most upset, though it is upsetting. It's the lying I can't stand. He's...... I don't know. The score of broken promises is 5 and 5; I'd like to keep it that way.
Never going to my dad's again and am telling him tonight that I mean it. Finally.
Still writing alot of acrostics and free verse. More later, I guess.
10 days left of school. I'm flipping. I can't wait.
*smiles* Big things at dance class, we hope.
Okay. It's 5:43 and I should probably go take a shower or blast my music really loud and dance around to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.
5.5 on FCAT Writes. It's effing rigged, I swear, but I'm still going to that YMCA pool thing tomorrow instead of school. I'll just sit there and write. Or hang with Sammy. Haven't decided yet. The Geometry exams are next week and I have a Circles test this Friday. I'm screwed.
Too much running around in my head. I should put it on paper but I won't. It's too scary for the world to see.
Mr. Stump, you sure know how to distract a lady.
<3 Luna
I'm going to say it because it's driving me crazy and I have to say something: IacoGwmbM.
Good luck figuring it out.
Show last week went really well. We have practice this Saturday (Weston's place) at 1:30 and Mitchell, our bassist, has decided to propose the idea of a movie for all four of us afterwards; suggestion sounds good and I'm only going for it if it stays with that Night at the Museum sequel. Looks good. We're also going to discuss bandnames and songs to learn next. And, apparently, I'm going to get thrown in the pool. By Weston, for pushing him in when he let the basketball go into the water and no one could reach it. I did not push him in; he fell.
Worried about what happened last night. I'll find out sometime today I guess.
What was said in that fake fight in that fake scene still hurts. I know some of it was true, regardless of what Graham says. What hurts worse, and these inflictions are still "bleeding", is that he's been lying to me. About cutting. Again.
During the past month in which we've been fighting he cut twice and lied to my face about it. It isn't the cutting that makes me the most upset, though it is upsetting. It's the lying I can't stand. He's...... I don't know. The score of broken promises is 5 and 5; I'd like to keep it that way.
Never going to my dad's again and am telling him tonight that I mean it. Finally.
Still writing alot of acrostics and free verse. More later, I guess.
10 days left of school. I'm flipping. I can't wait.
*smiles* Big things at dance class, we hope.
Okay. It's 5:43 and I should probably go take a shower or blast my music really loud and dance around to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.
5.5 on FCAT Writes. It's effing rigged, I swear, but I'm still going to that YMCA pool thing tomorrow instead of school. I'll just sit there and write. Or hang with Sammy. Haven't decided yet. The Geometry exams are next week and I have a Circles test this Friday. I'm screwed.
Too much running around in my head. I should put it on paper but I won't. It's too scary for the world to see.
Mr. Stump, you sure know how to distract a lady.
<3 Luna
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Awhile.
Well.
He and I skipped the extra few days and we talked that night. Reconciled and now everything's cool. Maybe better. I don't know for sure.
Before news on Father and that hell I am legally forced to go to, I've been writing poetry lately. Mostly acrostics, but still. One free verse, titled "Through the Looking Glass" to represent a few things. It's the story of my past year.
Oh Dad.... He and I decided to quarral about my being a "completely rotten person all of the time" and that he isn't going "to allow people who love you get hurt because you don't love them back". Yes, apparently I treat my stepmother and stepsister and stepbrother badly by not interacting at all. And not getting my stepmother a Mother's Day gift. She's not my mother, she didn't raise me, nor did she give birth to any one of my parents. So no gift is earned. Sue is a bitch, clear and blunt.
I don't purposely try to shut out Nick and Amanda; it just happens that, maybe, I have things I need to do. It's not like I'm 6 or 7 again and have absolutely nothing to do or needs to be done or anything. I have a life. Plus, somebody worth talking to that will actually listen and try to understand.
So yeah. At the end of that fight, he told me to either scrub of my attitude or don't bother coming back to his house to keep "mistreating" people. So I chose the latter. Because I don't like it there anyways.
He and I skipped the extra few days and we talked that night. Reconciled and now everything's cool. Maybe better. I don't know for sure.
Before news on Father and that hell I am legally forced to go to, I've been writing poetry lately. Mostly acrostics, but still. One free verse, titled "Through the Looking Glass" to represent a few things. It's the story of my past year.
Oh Dad.... He and I decided to quarral about my being a "completely rotten person all of the time" and that he isn't going "to allow people who love you get hurt because you don't love them back". Yes, apparently I treat my stepmother and stepsister and stepbrother badly by not interacting at all. And not getting my stepmother a Mother's Day gift. She's not my mother, she didn't raise me, nor did she give birth to any one of my parents. So no gift is earned. Sue is a bitch, clear and blunt.
I don't purposely try to shut out Nick and Amanda; it just happens that, maybe, I have things I need to do. It's not like I'm 6 or 7 again and have absolutely nothing to do or needs to be done or anything. I have a life. Plus, somebody worth talking to that will actually listen and try to understand.
So yeah. At the end of that fight, he told me to either scrub of my attitude or don't bother coming back to his house to keep "mistreating" people. So I chose the latter. Because I don't like it there anyways.
14 days left of school. Roughly 2 months until TIP. 2 months exactly until one whole year has gone by. And, if everything works out the way we both want it to, one year is just the beginning.
Not going to say anything about what Graham went searching for yesterday while I was at dance. He can say so for himself if he'd like.
Okay. School now. Maybe.
<3 Luna
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The Two Countdowns
Twenty-seven days left of school. Twenty-seven days left of middle school. Twenty-seven days until I can put those three years behind me in a school where almost no one knows me.
Except those two or three that already attend the school, and the couple that are entering as freshman. (You all know who you are)
Trig test today in Geom. class. Easy. Really easy, but the teacher stood up her whole class at Panera last night; we were supposed to have a study session for the test, but she never showed... I hope she's okay.
About two and a half months until TIP '09; I've been looking forward to this since I got home last summer. I wonder what kind of madness could ensue the day before in Graham and I's happy place...(so as he occasionally puts it) That, and a year together long-distance is a big step. Constant contact helps.
We worked out, sort of, the issue last time. We're making work our thirty minutes on the phone with AIM and Skype inbetween. Those three weeks together on campus will be amazing. We both agree to that. I need to get out of this town...
And I wondered why a couple months ago I would ever leave my state. Ha. I'm out of here the day I turn eighteen. Whether or not someone comes and gets me on that night.
Fell out of bed this morning and hit my head on the nightstand. Maybe that'll be enough to knock this dream from my mind.
Cute Is What We Aim For is in my speakers; "Doctor" to "Navigate Me". Good pieces.
Off to ready self for school. Wish me luck.
<3 Luna
Except those two or three that already attend the school, and the couple that are entering as freshman. (You all know who you are)
Trig test today in Geom. class. Easy. Really easy, but the teacher stood up her whole class at Panera last night; we were supposed to have a study session for the test, but she never showed... I hope she's okay.
About two and a half months until TIP '09; I've been looking forward to this since I got home last summer. I wonder what kind of madness could ensue the day before in Graham and I's happy place...(so as he occasionally puts it) That, and a year together long-distance is a big step. Constant contact helps.
We worked out, sort of, the issue last time. We're making work our thirty minutes on the phone with AIM and Skype inbetween. Those three weeks together on campus will be amazing. We both agree to that. I need to get out of this town...
And I wondered why a couple months ago I would ever leave my state. Ha. I'm out of here the day I turn eighteen. Whether or not someone comes and gets me on that night.
Fell out of bed this morning and hit my head on the nightstand. Maybe that'll be enough to knock this dream from my mind.
Cute Is What We Aim For is in my speakers; "Doctor" to "Navigate Me". Good pieces.
Off to ready self for school. Wish me luck.
<3 Luna
Friday, April 17, 2009
Yesterday...
There's no way in words to describe what I'm feeling.
What we're feeling.
Graham's older brother (who happens to be firstborn in the family) Zach had sex with his girlfriend, and Graham caught the after-sex session of Zach putting his shirt back on.
It isn't a jealousy thing, more of an envy thing. Like, how can they be together in general with no limits? Why is it more okay for them than Graham and me?
Felt sick to my stomach all last night and still feel that way a little. My initial shock is over.
The worst part is Graham's dad doesn't seem to really care what his eldest does. Because he's the eldest. Zach attends a boarding school in the area, but skips and is failing in his classes.Yet he can be with his girlfriend (and take a trip alone with her for two days with no one there) all the time. Graham has perfect grades and always goes to school when needed, but he only gets thirty minutes on the phone with me. At the most.
I told Graham to talk to his dad, but apparently his dad fell asleep. A message to that, to Graham:
Wake him up. You have a legitimate concern, and are clearly upset because of the unfairness of the household. His job as a father, as a parent, is to be there for you kids when he is needed and listen to any problems. Don't settle for this. I can't stand to see you hurting like this.
Through my head last night, I felt a mix of nausea, suicidal attitude, and the need for change. Didn't throw up, most of the suicidal attitude has passed (but it is still here), and my need for change is still almost-clearly evident. The need for change could easily be met in breaking up with Graham.
I don't want to do that. I love him, and he loves me. That would only make things worse, and, as I've said, I don't want to lose him. But now I'm as restless for the physical relations as the emotional relations, and I don't want to be able to be labled a cheater, and so for me to get these physical relations is to get another guy. Only for the physical element.
No one could ever make me feel as good inside myself as Graham did.
My plan for today: get through school, practice guitar, talk to Graham, perform my gig, and most likely nothing else. And when I say get through school, I mean talk to no one at all and do my schoolwork as instructed. No friends, no guys, no nothing. Maybe Chelsi and Sam...
Though I hate to say it, I end this still thinking of getting away with an affair.
<3Luna
What we're feeling.
Graham's older brother (who happens to be firstborn in the family) Zach had sex with his girlfriend, and Graham caught the after-sex session of Zach putting his shirt back on.
It isn't a jealousy thing, more of an envy thing. Like, how can they be together in general with no limits? Why is it more okay for them than Graham and me?
Felt sick to my stomach all last night and still feel that way a little. My initial shock is over.
The worst part is Graham's dad doesn't seem to really care what his eldest does. Because he's the eldest. Zach attends a boarding school in the area, but skips and is failing in his classes.Yet he can be with his girlfriend (and take a trip alone with her for two days with no one there) all the time. Graham has perfect grades and always goes to school when needed, but he only gets thirty minutes on the phone with me. At the most.
I told Graham to talk to his dad, but apparently his dad fell asleep. A message to that, to Graham:
Wake him up. You have a legitimate concern, and are clearly upset because of the unfairness of the household. His job as a father, as a parent, is to be there for you kids when he is needed and listen to any problems. Don't settle for this. I can't stand to see you hurting like this.
Through my head last night, I felt a mix of nausea, suicidal attitude, and the need for change. Didn't throw up, most of the suicidal attitude has passed (but it is still here), and my need for change is still almost-clearly evident. The need for change could easily be met in breaking up with Graham.
I don't want to do that. I love him, and he loves me. That would only make things worse, and, as I've said, I don't want to lose him. But now I'm as restless for the physical relations as the emotional relations, and I don't want to be able to be labled a cheater, and so for me to get these physical relations is to get another guy. Only for the physical element.
No one could ever make me feel as good inside myself as Graham did.
My plan for today: get through school, practice guitar, talk to Graham, perform my gig, and most likely nothing else. And when I say get through school, I mean talk to no one at all and do my schoolwork as instructed. No friends, no guys, no nothing. Maybe Chelsi and Sam...
Though I hate to say it, I end this still thinking of getting away with an affair.
<3Luna
Sunday, April 12, 2009
The Last Few Weeks...
I haven't had the time to write here lately. Mostly been too much stuff going on to do much anyways.
Had the weirdest dream last night: my boyfriend Graham and I were, for some reason, attending this art thing at a local YMCA when my ex Jimmy showed up, pulled me aside (though dragged is a much better word), and started attacking me with kisses against an outside wall. I was resisting as best I could, and eventually he calmed down so we could talk. Well, he wanted me to hear him out, and I did. All he discussed was his utter lust for this girl at his school, but yet how he missed me; Graham tracked us down, wrapped a protective arm around my waist, shot Jimmy a slightly dirty look, and walked off with me.
I don't have anything else to say on that subject.
A week ago today, I was with Graham, grateful to feel him again. Four months of no physical contact can do that to a person. It was pure bliss, pure heaven, pure anything positive one could ever imagine. I'll never forget those two days, and they'll be in my mind always for the next three months before he and I have another three weeks together and mark our one year together. I miss him.
School tomorrow; yay? Too much homework, and so little time on Easter...
<3 Luna
Had the weirdest dream last night: my boyfriend Graham and I were, for some reason, attending this art thing at a local YMCA when my ex Jimmy showed up, pulled me aside (though dragged is a much better word), and started attacking me with kisses against an outside wall. I was resisting as best I could, and eventually he calmed down so we could talk. Well, he wanted me to hear him out, and I did. All he discussed was his utter lust for this girl at his school, but yet how he missed me; Graham tracked us down, wrapped a protective arm around my waist, shot Jimmy a slightly dirty look, and walked off with me.
I don't have anything else to say on that subject.
A week ago today, I was with Graham, grateful to feel him again. Four months of no physical contact can do that to a person. It was pure bliss, pure heaven, pure anything positive one could ever imagine. I'll never forget those two days, and they'll be in my mind always for the next three months before he and I have another three weeks together and mark our one year together. I miss him.
School tomorrow; yay? Too much homework, and so little time on Easter...
<3 Luna
Saturday, March 28, 2009
To Start, A Story:
Instead of using all kinds of words and such to describe me, I'll let a story (still in progress) that I wrote at one this morning do the talking:
Story of my (After)Life
There’s really nothing left for me to say, here in Bliss. All of my life troubles were left as the empty bottle fell to the floor.
I can’t remember much before that day; I remember my decline into depression, I remember other important events, like the births of each of my children and my wedding day to the man I loved so dearly, and I can remember, though I wish I didn’t, the deaths of my favorite children.
I know a mother isn’t supposed to choose favorites out of the kids that she gave birth to, especially when a mother like me had four before thirty, but I did. They were numbers 3 and 4, Kaye Rose and Patrick Hollyster, fraternal twins. Preceding them were two singles, Ryanna Renee and Nate Benson. To sum it all up, before my twenty-fourth birthday, I had four children. However, this wasn’t the problem.
Ever since my teen years, I yearned for motherhood, and I had a boyfriend (who later became my husband and father to all four of these offspring) who yearned equally for fatherhood. We had agreed on waiting until I turned eighteen in June to start our family, but I became pregnant with Ryanna just three months before; I immediately called Graham when I could confirm this, and he flew down from his home state (we kept a long-distance relationship. Two states separated us.) on my birthday night to propose to me. We had gone walking in the park behind my house, and that’s when the relationship progressed. The second we came back inside, we announced both the engagement and the pregnancy. Somehow, my mother was thrilled.
Graham and I set our wedding date to July fourteenth to mark the five years we had been dating. Everything was perfect, just the way it had been pictured for years in my mind. Nothing could have made me happier, except for the anticipated life of the child I carried.
Sixth long months later, on December twenty-second of the year 2013, our baby girl came to us; this process wasn’t as easy as one could think. No, Ry had been stillborn, after thirteen hours of labor pains and pushing and contractions, and I was devastated beyond normal. The old demons of self harm flooded back as I could see the lifeless child in front of Graham and me. Then, in that same moment, her previously bluish skin became normal color, my paleness, and a wail filled the room. Tears ran down my face, and my husband’s.
Then, about eight months later in August, Nathan was conceived; the whole pregnancy, I knew he was going to have some powerful legs for a sport of some kind. May sixteenth, 2014, we had our first son. Two children in the apartment we had, and so we took a small break from kids (Graham and I talked and agreed that we shouldn‘t give up the pleasure of our sex life for kids, so I got put on birth control) to save money for a small, 3-bedroom house in Columbia.
Around the area of the home, actually only two months after Nate’s birth, I snagged an AP English teaching job at a local high school, seniors. Keep in mind I was nineteen with my teaching degree; yeah, that’s right. Surprisingly, however, my room was an advanced one, so only those who selected it could get in; I got all girls in every one of my classes, seventeen and eighteen, and never a class bigger than fifteen kids. One even had a simple seven.
Now, Graham also had a teaching gig at that same high school in AP Biology. In fact, we had some of the same kids, and every year we always had one class be the exact same as the one before it (but aren‘t I getting ahead of myself?). This went on for about a year before we purchased our perfect home; the next kids came around shortly after this.
In September of 2015, I noticed that I was a bit “bigger” than I should be for a pregnancy in its third month, and this is not to say that I was fat. No, I mean my pregnant belly was a tad more round; I scheduled the first ultrasound for this round of kids.
Doctor called twins, each in their own respective amniotic sacs. It gave me hope for our family to expand even wider than it already had. In my sixth month, sexes could be determined: a boy and a girl.
I never figured out why I loved the twins more than the others. Was it because of the slim chance of the conception and the way it happened? Was it because ever since I learned about the probability of twins, I knew that I wanted just a boy and a girl, twins? What about the names Graham and I had picked out in advance; was the fact that the boy, Patrick Hollyster, carried the same name of the singer that saved me so many times before I even knew about Graham?
Questions raged through me, and the worry that I would ignore the other children got the best of me; early labor at the beginning of the eighth month.
Kaye Rose and Patrick Hollyster came via C-section, which I would have no other way, at one in the morning on a brisk February the tenth, 2016. Graham and I thought we were done then, all joyful for our family and our careers which panned out so well, thought that life just couldn’t get any better and nothing could bring us down. We stayed that way for about four years. Until two things started at the beginning of the ‘19-’20 school year: our happy “accident”, and Alyssa.
Yes, this is where Jasper Seth comes into play, where the positive bathroom pregnancy test told me I was going to have my fifth (or possibly sixth as well) child. I was ecstatic, as I always was; children could never be a burden or a nuisance to me. In fact, after the twins’ third birthday, I just quit birth control (a married couple with kids need their sane years) for another, but I just never told Graham. Which is why he wasn’t nearly as ecstatic as I was when I told him I was pregnant.
“You‘re what?”
“Pregnant. I can spell it if you want me to.” He started pacing back and forth a bit.
“Just…how? How is this possible?” I looked at him, head cocked to the side a bit and eyes gazing up at him. He grinned and laughed lightly. “Not that how, honey. Weren‘t you on the pill?” That’s when I made my mistake: biting my lip. It’s my guilty calling card.
“I….uh….am.” I turned from him so he wouldn’t notice. He did; I don’t give him nearly enough credit sometimes. After all, I was but twenty-four, and he nearly twenty-five.
“Luna, what did you do?” Graham came up behind me and spun me around; I examined the floor.
“Uhm…..” He put a finger under my chin, our eyes meeting. Have I ever said what his eyes did to me? What that deep black-brown made me think of? To sum it up in one word….orgasmic. And mysterious, for two words. My eyes, however, didn’t have that mystery. Nope, he figured me out in a second flat.
“You went off the drugs without telling me first?” His hand dropped from my face, and I could tell that he wanted to start yelling louder at me but knew he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Instead, he spent the night in Ryanna and Kaye’s room, because he knew they wouldn’t bother him if he wanted to crash on the floor. Me? I graded papers that night. The whole night.
This brings me to “lovely” Alyssa, who is the cause, besides me, of me in Bliss. She was eighteen, had deep green eyes, and slightly wavy dark auburn hair. Though the school slut, and said to be incapable of love, she was a fantastic writer. And an even better biologist, apparently.
Remember me talking about how Graham and I would, every year, manage to get the same exact class right after each other? Well, that school year, that awful year, Alyssa, along with only nine other kids, was in my class right before Graham’s. And damn was she a kiss-up.
I wasn’t blind. I knew what some of the oldest girls thought of my husband. It didn’t surprise me; I thought the same of him. Utterly gorgeous, sexy and seductive eyes, deep laugh, thick hair. The whole works. I thought I knew everything about every one of our students. Guess I was wrong.
As my pregnancy with Jasper progressed, I noticed that Alyssa was no longer my “teacher‘s pet” when it came to writing. At home, while I would talk somewhat negatively about her, such as when she refused to speak with me after class, Graham’s share of her only improved. Said she was participating even more than she used to, and that now he had less grading to do because of her, because Alyssa was his smartest student. In fact, to me it almost seemed that he was attracted to this girl somehow, yet it never occurred to me that it could be her attracted to him.
You see, Alyssa was extremely clingy when it came to the male sex. Any time she got a new guy, it was only a matter of days before he would sleep with her, as the rest of the school says, and dump her. If I had bothered to read her file, I would have known that her father disappeared with another woman when she was but five and it left her longing for a fatherly substitute or any attention given by a guy. I would have known that, while she had received mental treatment, she was still prone to acting on impulses to get the man she “loves” to stay.
This is why I nearly freaked out that, about two months before the twins’ fourth birthday, my favorites were missing. There was a note stating that I needed to, with my husband, meet at the old church to see my children and “decide”. It was signed by Alyssa.
I called Graham, voice overrun by tears, and we went together where she said to. The authorities were notified of our locations and a time to rush. Our code word, twilight (very long story. Don‘t get me started), was to alert our allies (the police) to rush in on us.
Alyssa had tied our kids back-to-back in chairs, so tight that circulation was pretty much gone. Not hazardous, however, to their health, just bad enough to knock them out. I cursed her then to die.
She had a gun; of course she had a gun. Why wouldn’t she? Graham and I locked hands as she sauntered to him, a plastered seducing grin on her face.
“Well look who showed,” she cooed, licking her lips and wrapping her free arm around his neck. He flinched, and I was about to pull him closer when she swung the gun towards the children. I backed off until she was satisfied; that left me in a corner, the farthest one from my babies.
“Mr. Howell has a choice, Mrs. Howell,” she stated flatly, still eyeing my love. “He can only get one of the groups, you know. The twins or you and that baby you‘re carrying.” I gritted my teeth and looked up at Graham. His eyes were glassy with fear and a few tears spilled onto his cheeks.
“Or,” she said, noticing this. “He can sleep with me, and do as I say, and you all go home just fine.” I looked at him, nodding. If saving my twins, Jasper, and my life meant him sleeping with that whore, then I hope he’d take that option. What right does he have to play God?
He seemed to nod too, and also got a seductive grin on his face; a fake one. At least, I hoped it was a fake one.
Graham placed one hand behind her neck and the other behind her back, dipping her and mouth moving close to her throat. I don’t know if she knew we were both wired with mics and earpieces. Mine was yelling to get out while Alyssa was distracted, but I was staying put. I needed to know the decision he made.
“Alyssa,” he inquired. “Did you ever see Twilight?”
The rest came way too fast.
All at once, cops swarmed in one-by-one, breaking windows on contact; each had a firearm aimed at Alyssa, but loosely. She wasn’t stupid, and she had enough of a conscience not to shoot me; that’s when she turned the gun towards my twins, two shots. She had perfect aim. My babies were dead, and I had watched it happen. Which triggered my early labor, and I screamed, fainting. Before my eyes shut, Graham rushed towards me and I heard one last shot.
I woke up maybe two days later, my head spinning and noticed I was no longer pregnant. Graham was at my bedside, holding my hand. The heart monitor beeped every second.
“What happened?” His eyes were off; red rimmed them. Something awful.
“Do you remember any of it?” His thumb was light on my fingers. I shook my head.
“Alyssa…had some issues. Some really bad ones. She ended up being completely jealous of you because of me. She had claimed to be in love with me.” He wiped a tear that had fallen. “The police came in and it scared her. Baby, I am a horrible father.” I wrapped my arms around his weeping form the best I could.
“You are not. Don‘t say that. You have four children to go home to.” Me saying that made everything so much worse.
“There are only two now, Luna: Ryanna and Nate. Alyssa shot and killed Kaye and Patrick. Not only that, but we lost Jasper, too.” And that’s when I started crying every day until the end of my life.
I was released into the care of family a few days later with a prescription for a bottle at a time for antidepressants. I started thinking then, but not completely seriously.
There was no way I could face home, and Graham understood. Which is why he had gotten a hotel room for my mother and me that would last as long as we needed it to.
I told him to resign me from the school, my reason being that there was no way I was going back there. I never did.
My mom and I talked during the night, every night, for a few hours after doing stress-free activities in the day. This mainly consisted of lounging around in the room and eating, sharing stories.
Now, after she had gone to sleep, both in the night and day, I pulled out a friend I hadn’t seen in years. Like, about ten years. A shiny razor never lets you down.
I started slow, like I always did. Just two long ones, three lines each. Blood pulsed crimson out of the pink paleness and fell down my thigh to gather around me. I never bothered with a towel. Then things started to get interesting.
I let myself go all out; any piece of skin besides my face wasn’t left untouched. At least, as long as clothes could cover it up. I ended with somewhere around twenty cuts each night, always practically soaked in my own blood. My skin had even started to stain before I turned on the shower.
My mother only stayed for a week and then I went back home. No one was there, and this was my last chance and I knew it.
With two children killed by another woman’s hand and one dead because of underdevelopment, I folded. I knew exactly where all the antidepressants were in the cabinet, and a half-bottle remained. Apparently Graham was sneaking some while I was gone.
A clear glass was filled with water to chase the pills down, taking four at a time to quicken the madness to follow. A smooth, rhythmic shaking started in my hands, and slowly worked its way throughout my body until the glass I had been holding shattered against the tile floor.
I had enough control left to pick up the largest of the shards to pull hard and fast against each wrist; the scarlet flow thickened like I never knew it could. The last, alive thought I had in my head as my blood stained my clothes, and hearing Ryanna walk through the front door, was if I would be able to watch my family go on. All I heard was my first-born’s scream.
But then I was watching the whole thing, like an out-of-body experience. Except it must have been ten minutes later because Graham walked in to see this beautiful dead woman on the floor.
Wait that was me?
Her hair was light dirty blonde with red undertone, skin pale white. Her eyes had been left slightly open; deep blue contrasted against that natural white.
Was that really me?
It must have been, because Graham shooed Ryanna to her room to mourn over me. Salty tears cascaded down his cheeks and landed on the fresh corpse’s face. He pressed his lips to her (my?) forehead and wrapped his arms around her (me?) to pull the cold body to him in a last embrace. Somehow, I could hear his thoughts.
I’m never going to feel her warmth again. I’m never going to be able to kiss her again. I’m never going to be able to hear her singing voice, never going to tell our children goodnight. I’m never going to hear her say again that she loves me.
Then all at once he put the woman down and the thought process changed; depressed tears changed to upset ones.
Did she love me? Could she really have loved me if she did this to herself? Didn’t she know that we were going to get through this together? Did she feel that I was there for her? Then my love noticed the rest of the glass shards on the floor by the body. A slow, half-smile crept up onto his face and I moved closer.
She’s gone. I can’t without her. I can’t face Ryanna or Nathan without her…..
I rushed at him, trying to scream at him to put the glass away, that he needed to be there for Ry and Nate like I wasn’t.
“It‘s bad enough they‘ve lost their younger siblings and a possible newborn. It‘s bad enough they‘ve lost their mother now, too!” I was crying with him. “They don‘t need to lose their daddy.”
Yet it seemed Graham couldn’t hear me. At all. He hesitated above the prominent vein in his arm, and as I could hear him yell at himself to just get it over with, I slapped it from him; the glass piece flew across the room and hit the wall. Graham just stared straight, amazed.
I was amazed too, to be honest. Did I really just do that? Then I wanted to know what else I could do.
I stood up, leaving Graham there in shock, to find paper and pen in the drawer; it was a snap. A simple message was scrawled out and put in front of Graham.
I don’t think you can hear me, hear my voice. You can’t leave them here, sweetheart. You can’t. You need to be strong for them, strong for the ones that are left here. I’m here for you if you need me. I’m listening to you.
You should’ve seen the look on his face.
Story of my (After)Life
There’s really nothing left for me to say, here in Bliss. All of my life troubles were left as the empty bottle fell to the floor.
I can’t remember much before that day; I remember my decline into depression, I remember other important events, like the births of each of my children and my wedding day to the man I loved so dearly, and I can remember, though I wish I didn’t, the deaths of my favorite children.
I know a mother isn’t supposed to choose favorites out of the kids that she gave birth to, especially when a mother like me had four before thirty, but I did. They were numbers 3 and 4, Kaye Rose and Patrick Hollyster, fraternal twins. Preceding them were two singles, Ryanna Renee and Nate Benson. To sum it all up, before my twenty-fourth birthday, I had four children. However, this wasn’t the problem.
Ever since my teen years, I yearned for motherhood, and I had a boyfriend (who later became my husband and father to all four of these offspring) who yearned equally for fatherhood. We had agreed on waiting until I turned eighteen in June to start our family, but I became pregnant with Ryanna just three months before; I immediately called Graham when I could confirm this, and he flew down from his home state (we kept a long-distance relationship. Two states separated us.) on my birthday night to propose to me. We had gone walking in the park behind my house, and that’s when the relationship progressed. The second we came back inside, we announced both the engagement and the pregnancy. Somehow, my mother was thrilled.
Graham and I set our wedding date to July fourteenth to mark the five years we had been dating. Everything was perfect, just the way it had been pictured for years in my mind. Nothing could have made me happier, except for the anticipated life of the child I carried.
Sixth long months later, on December twenty-second of the year 2013, our baby girl came to us; this process wasn’t as easy as one could think. No, Ry had been stillborn, after thirteen hours of labor pains and pushing and contractions, and I was devastated beyond normal. The old demons of self harm flooded back as I could see the lifeless child in front of Graham and me. Then, in that same moment, her previously bluish skin became normal color, my paleness, and a wail filled the room. Tears ran down my face, and my husband’s.
Then, about eight months later in August, Nathan was conceived; the whole pregnancy, I knew he was going to have some powerful legs for a sport of some kind. May sixteenth, 2014, we had our first son. Two children in the apartment we had, and so we took a small break from kids (Graham and I talked and agreed that we shouldn‘t give up the pleasure of our sex life for kids, so I got put on birth control) to save money for a small, 3-bedroom house in Columbia.
Around the area of the home, actually only two months after Nate’s birth, I snagged an AP English teaching job at a local high school, seniors. Keep in mind I was nineteen with my teaching degree; yeah, that’s right. Surprisingly, however, my room was an advanced one, so only those who selected it could get in; I got all girls in every one of my classes, seventeen and eighteen, and never a class bigger than fifteen kids. One even had a simple seven.
Now, Graham also had a teaching gig at that same high school in AP Biology. In fact, we had some of the same kids, and every year we always had one class be the exact same as the one before it (but aren‘t I getting ahead of myself?). This went on for about a year before we purchased our perfect home; the next kids came around shortly after this.
In September of 2015, I noticed that I was a bit “bigger” than I should be for a pregnancy in its third month, and this is not to say that I was fat. No, I mean my pregnant belly was a tad more round; I scheduled the first ultrasound for this round of kids.
Doctor called twins, each in their own respective amniotic sacs. It gave me hope for our family to expand even wider than it already had. In my sixth month, sexes could be determined: a boy and a girl.
I never figured out why I loved the twins more than the others. Was it because of the slim chance of the conception and the way it happened? Was it because ever since I learned about the probability of twins, I knew that I wanted just a boy and a girl, twins? What about the names Graham and I had picked out in advance; was the fact that the boy, Patrick Hollyster, carried the same name of the singer that saved me so many times before I even knew about Graham?
Questions raged through me, and the worry that I would ignore the other children got the best of me; early labor at the beginning of the eighth month.
Kaye Rose and Patrick Hollyster came via C-section, which I would have no other way, at one in the morning on a brisk February the tenth, 2016. Graham and I thought we were done then, all joyful for our family and our careers which panned out so well, thought that life just couldn’t get any better and nothing could bring us down. We stayed that way for about four years. Until two things started at the beginning of the ‘19-’20 school year: our happy “accident”, and Alyssa.
Yes, this is where Jasper Seth comes into play, where the positive bathroom pregnancy test told me I was going to have my fifth (or possibly sixth as well) child. I was ecstatic, as I always was; children could never be a burden or a nuisance to me. In fact, after the twins’ third birthday, I just quit birth control (a married couple with kids need their sane years) for another, but I just never told Graham. Which is why he wasn’t nearly as ecstatic as I was when I told him I was pregnant.
“You‘re what?”
“Pregnant. I can spell it if you want me to.” He started pacing back and forth a bit.
“Just…how? How is this possible?” I looked at him, head cocked to the side a bit and eyes gazing up at him. He grinned and laughed lightly. “Not that how, honey. Weren‘t you on the pill?” That’s when I made my mistake: biting my lip. It’s my guilty calling card.
“I….uh….am.” I turned from him so he wouldn’t notice. He did; I don’t give him nearly enough credit sometimes. After all, I was but twenty-four, and he nearly twenty-five.
“Luna, what did you do?” Graham came up behind me and spun me around; I examined the floor.
“Uhm…..” He put a finger under my chin, our eyes meeting. Have I ever said what his eyes did to me? What that deep black-brown made me think of? To sum it up in one word….orgasmic. And mysterious, for two words. My eyes, however, didn’t have that mystery. Nope, he figured me out in a second flat.
“You went off the drugs without telling me first?” His hand dropped from my face, and I could tell that he wanted to start yelling louder at me but knew he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Instead, he spent the night in Ryanna and Kaye’s room, because he knew they wouldn’t bother him if he wanted to crash on the floor. Me? I graded papers that night. The whole night.
This brings me to “lovely” Alyssa, who is the cause, besides me, of me in Bliss. She was eighteen, had deep green eyes, and slightly wavy dark auburn hair. Though the school slut, and said to be incapable of love, she was a fantastic writer. And an even better biologist, apparently.
Remember me talking about how Graham and I would, every year, manage to get the same exact class right after each other? Well, that school year, that awful year, Alyssa, along with only nine other kids, was in my class right before Graham’s. And damn was she a kiss-up.
I wasn’t blind. I knew what some of the oldest girls thought of my husband. It didn’t surprise me; I thought the same of him. Utterly gorgeous, sexy and seductive eyes, deep laugh, thick hair. The whole works. I thought I knew everything about every one of our students. Guess I was wrong.
As my pregnancy with Jasper progressed, I noticed that Alyssa was no longer my “teacher‘s pet” when it came to writing. At home, while I would talk somewhat negatively about her, such as when she refused to speak with me after class, Graham’s share of her only improved. Said she was participating even more than she used to, and that now he had less grading to do because of her, because Alyssa was his smartest student. In fact, to me it almost seemed that he was attracted to this girl somehow, yet it never occurred to me that it could be her attracted to him.
You see, Alyssa was extremely clingy when it came to the male sex. Any time she got a new guy, it was only a matter of days before he would sleep with her, as the rest of the school says, and dump her. If I had bothered to read her file, I would have known that her father disappeared with another woman when she was but five and it left her longing for a fatherly substitute or any attention given by a guy. I would have known that, while she had received mental treatment, she was still prone to acting on impulses to get the man she “loves” to stay.
This is why I nearly freaked out that, about two months before the twins’ fourth birthday, my favorites were missing. There was a note stating that I needed to, with my husband, meet at the old church to see my children and “decide”. It was signed by Alyssa.
I called Graham, voice overrun by tears, and we went together where she said to. The authorities were notified of our locations and a time to rush. Our code word, twilight (very long story. Don‘t get me started), was to alert our allies (the police) to rush in on us.
Alyssa had tied our kids back-to-back in chairs, so tight that circulation was pretty much gone. Not hazardous, however, to their health, just bad enough to knock them out. I cursed her then to die.
She had a gun; of course she had a gun. Why wouldn’t she? Graham and I locked hands as she sauntered to him, a plastered seducing grin on her face.
“Well look who showed,” she cooed, licking her lips and wrapping her free arm around his neck. He flinched, and I was about to pull him closer when she swung the gun towards the children. I backed off until she was satisfied; that left me in a corner, the farthest one from my babies.
“Mr. Howell has a choice, Mrs. Howell,” she stated flatly, still eyeing my love. “He can only get one of the groups, you know. The twins or you and that baby you‘re carrying.” I gritted my teeth and looked up at Graham. His eyes were glassy with fear and a few tears spilled onto his cheeks.
“Or,” she said, noticing this. “He can sleep with me, and do as I say, and you all go home just fine.” I looked at him, nodding. If saving my twins, Jasper, and my life meant him sleeping with that whore, then I hope he’d take that option. What right does he have to play God?
He seemed to nod too, and also got a seductive grin on his face; a fake one. At least, I hoped it was a fake one.
Graham placed one hand behind her neck and the other behind her back, dipping her and mouth moving close to her throat. I don’t know if she knew we were both wired with mics and earpieces. Mine was yelling to get out while Alyssa was distracted, but I was staying put. I needed to know the decision he made.
“Alyssa,” he inquired. “Did you ever see Twilight?”
The rest came way too fast.
All at once, cops swarmed in one-by-one, breaking windows on contact; each had a firearm aimed at Alyssa, but loosely. She wasn’t stupid, and she had enough of a conscience not to shoot me; that’s when she turned the gun towards my twins, two shots. She had perfect aim. My babies were dead, and I had watched it happen. Which triggered my early labor, and I screamed, fainting. Before my eyes shut, Graham rushed towards me and I heard one last shot.
I woke up maybe two days later, my head spinning and noticed I was no longer pregnant. Graham was at my bedside, holding my hand. The heart monitor beeped every second.
“What happened?” His eyes were off; red rimmed them. Something awful.
“Do you remember any of it?” His thumb was light on my fingers. I shook my head.
“Alyssa…had some issues. Some really bad ones. She ended up being completely jealous of you because of me. She had claimed to be in love with me.” He wiped a tear that had fallen. “The police came in and it scared her. Baby, I am a horrible father.” I wrapped my arms around his weeping form the best I could.
“You are not. Don‘t say that. You have four children to go home to.” Me saying that made everything so much worse.
“There are only two now, Luna: Ryanna and Nate. Alyssa shot and killed Kaye and Patrick. Not only that, but we lost Jasper, too.” And that’s when I started crying every day until the end of my life.
I was released into the care of family a few days later with a prescription for a bottle at a time for antidepressants. I started thinking then, but not completely seriously.
There was no way I could face home, and Graham understood. Which is why he had gotten a hotel room for my mother and me that would last as long as we needed it to.
I told him to resign me from the school, my reason being that there was no way I was going back there. I never did.
My mom and I talked during the night, every night, for a few hours after doing stress-free activities in the day. This mainly consisted of lounging around in the room and eating, sharing stories.
Now, after she had gone to sleep, both in the night and day, I pulled out a friend I hadn’t seen in years. Like, about ten years. A shiny razor never lets you down.
I started slow, like I always did. Just two long ones, three lines each. Blood pulsed crimson out of the pink paleness and fell down my thigh to gather around me. I never bothered with a towel. Then things started to get interesting.
I let myself go all out; any piece of skin besides my face wasn’t left untouched. At least, as long as clothes could cover it up. I ended with somewhere around twenty cuts each night, always practically soaked in my own blood. My skin had even started to stain before I turned on the shower.
My mother only stayed for a week and then I went back home. No one was there, and this was my last chance and I knew it.
With two children killed by another woman’s hand and one dead because of underdevelopment, I folded. I knew exactly where all the antidepressants were in the cabinet, and a half-bottle remained. Apparently Graham was sneaking some while I was gone.
A clear glass was filled with water to chase the pills down, taking four at a time to quicken the madness to follow. A smooth, rhythmic shaking started in my hands, and slowly worked its way throughout my body until the glass I had been holding shattered against the tile floor.
I had enough control left to pick up the largest of the shards to pull hard and fast against each wrist; the scarlet flow thickened like I never knew it could. The last, alive thought I had in my head as my blood stained my clothes, and hearing Ryanna walk through the front door, was if I would be able to watch my family go on. All I heard was my first-born’s scream.
But then I was watching the whole thing, like an out-of-body experience. Except it must have been ten minutes later because Graham walked in to see this beautiful dead woman on the floor.
Wait that was me?
Her hair was light dirty blonde with red undertone, skin pale white. Her eyes had been left slightly open; deep blue contrasted against that natural white.
Was that really me?
It must have been, because Graham shooed Ryanna to her room to mourn over me. Salty tears cascaded down his cheeks and landed on the fresh corpse’s face. He pressed his lips to her (my?) forehead and wrapped his arms around her (me?) to pull the cold body to him in a last embrace. Somehow, I could hear his thoughts.
I’m never going to feel her warmth again. I’m never going to be able to kiss her again. I’m never going to be able to hear her singing voice, never going to tell our children goodnight. I’m never going to hear her say again that she loves me.
Then all at once he put the woman down and the thought process changed; depressed tears changed to upset ones.
Did she love me? Could she really have loved me if she did this to herself? Didn’t she know that we were going to get through this together? Did she feel that I was there for her? Then my love noticed the rest of the glass shards on the floor by the body. A slow, half-smile crept up onto his face and I moved closer.
She’s gone. I can’t without her. I can’t face Ryanna or Nathan without her…..
I rushed at him, trying to scream at him to put the glass away, that he needed to be there for Ry and Nate like I wasn’t.
“It‘s bad enough they‘ve lost their younger siblings and a possible newborn. It‘s bad enough they‘ve lost their mother now, too!” I was crying with him. “They don‘t need to lose their daddy.”
Yet it seemed Graham couldn’t hear me. At all. He hesitated above the prominent vein in his arm, and as I could hear him yell at himself to just get it over with, I slapped it from him; the glass piece flew across the room and hit the wall. Graham just stared straight, amazed.
I was amazed too, to be honest. Did I really just do that? Then I wanted to know what else I could do.
I stood up, leaving Graham there in shock, to find paper and pen in the drawer; it was a snap. A simple message was scrawled out and put in front of Graham.
I don’t think you can hear me, hear my voice. You can’t leave them here, sweetheart. You can’t. You need to be strong for them, strong for the ones that are left here. I’m here for you if you need me. I’m listening to you.
You should’ve seen the look on his face.
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