Twenty-seven days left of school. Twenty-seven days left of middle school. Twenty-seven days until I can put those three years behind me in a school where almost no one knows me.
Except those two or three that already attend the school, and the couple that are entering as freshman. (You all know who you are)
Trig test today in Geom. class. Easy. Really easy, but the teacher stood up her whole class at Panera last night; we were supposed to have a study session for the test, but she never showed... I hope she's okay.
About two and a half months until TIP '09; I've been looking forward to this since I got home last summer. I wonder what kind of madness could ensue the day before in Graham and I's happy place...(so as he occasionally puts it) That, and a year together long-distance is a big step. Constant contact helps.
We worked out, sort of, the issue last time. We're making work our thirty minutes on the phone with AIM and Skype inbetween. Those three weeks together on campus will be amazing. We both agree to that. I need to get out of this town...
And I wondered why a couple months ago I would ever leave my state. Ha. I'm out of here the day I turn eighteen. Whether or not someone comes and gets me on that night.
Fell out of bed this morning and hit my head on the nightstand. Maybe that'll be enough to knock this dream from my mind.
Cute Is What We Aim For is in my speakers; "Doctor" to "Navigate Me". Good pieces.
Off to ready self for school. Wish me luck.
<3 Luna
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Yesterday...
There's no way in words to describe what I'm feeling.
What we're feeling.
Graham's older brother (who happens to be firstborn in the family) Zach had sex with his girlfriend, and Graham caught the after-sex session of Zach putting his shirt back on.
It isn't a jealousy thing, more of an envy thing. Like, how can they be together in general with no limits? Why is it more okay for them than Graham and me?
Felt sick to my stomach all last night and still feel that way a little. My initial shock is over.
The worst part is Graham's dad doesn't seem to really care what his eldest does. Because he's the eldest. Zach attends a boarding school in the area, but skips and is failing in his classes.Yet he can be with his girlfriend (and take a trip alone with her for two days with no one there) all the time. Graham has perfect grades and always goes to school when needed, but he only gets thirty minutes on the phone with me. At the most.
I told Graham to talk to his dad, but apparently his dad fell asleep. A message to that, to Graham:
Wake him up. You have a legitimate concern, and are clearly upset because of the unfairness of the household. His job as a father, as a parent, is to be there for you kids when he is needed and listen to any problems. Don't settle for this. I can't stand to see you hurting like this.
Through my head last night, I felt a mix of nausea, suicidal attitude, and the need for change. Didn't throw up, most of the suicidal attitude has passed (but it is still here), and my need for change is still almost-clearly evident. The need for change could easily be met in breaking up with Graham.
I don't want to do that. I love him, and he loves me. That would only make things worse, and, as I've said, I don't want to lose him. But now I'm as restless for the physical relations as the emotional relations, and I don't want to be able to be labled a cheater, and so for me to get these physical relations is to get another guy. Only for the physical element.
No one could ever make me feel as good inside myself as Graham did.
My plan for today: get through school, practice guitar, talk to Graham, perform my gig, and most likely nothing else. And when I say get through school, I mean talk to no one at all and do my schoolwork as instructed. No friends, no guys, no nothing. Maybe Chelsi and Sam...
Though I hate to say it, I end this still thinking of getting away with an affair.
<3Luna
What we're feeling.
Graham's older brother (who happens to be firstborn in the family) Zach had sex with his girlfriend, and Graham caught the after-sex session of Zach putting his shirt back on.
It isn't a jealousy thing, more of an envy thing. Like, how can they be together in general with no limits? Why is it more okay for them than Graham and me?
Felt sick to my stomach all last night and still feel that way a little. My initial shock is over.
The worst part is Graham's dad doesn't seem to really care what his eldest does. Because he's the eldest. Zach attends a boarding school in the area, but skips and is failing in his classes.Yet he can be with his girlfriend (and take a trip alone with her for two days with no one there) all the time. Graham has perfect grades and always goes to school when needed, but he only gets thirty minutes on the phone with me. At the most.
I told Graham to talk to his dad, but apparently his dad fell asleep. A message to that, to Graham:
Wake him up. You have a legitimate concern, and are clearly upset because of the unfairness of the household. His job as a father, as a parent, is to be there for you kids when he is needed and listen to any problems. Don't settle for this. I can't stand to see you hurting like this.
Through my head last night, I felt a mix of nausea, suicidal attitude, and the need for change. Didn't throw up, most of the suicidal attitude has passed (but it is still here), and my need for change is still almost-clearly evident. The need for change could easily be met in breaking up with Graham.
I don't want to do that. I love him, and he loves me. That would only make things worse, and, as I've said, I don't want to lose him. But now I'm as restless for the physical relations as the emotional relations, and I don't want to be able to be labled a cheater, and so for me to get these physical relations is to get another guy. Only for the physical element.
No one could ever make me feel as good inside myself as Graham did.
My plan for today: get through school, practice guitar, talk to Graham, perform my gig, and most likely nothing else. And when I say get through school, I mean talk to no one at all and do my schoolwork as instructed. No friends, no guys, no nothing. Maybe Chelsi and Sam...
Though I hate to say it, I end this still thinking of getting away with an affair.
<3Luna
Sunday, April 12, 2009
The Last Few Weeks...
I haven't had the time to write here lately. Mostly been too much stuff going on to do much anyways.
Had the weirdest dream last night: my boyfriend Graham and I were, for some reason, attending this art thing at a local YMCA when my ex Jimmy showed up, pulled me aside (though dragged is a much better word), and started attacking me with kisses against an outside wall. I was resisting as best I could, and eventually he calmed down so we could talk. Well, he wanted me to hear him out, and I did. All he discussed was his utter lust for this girl at his school, but yet how he missed me; Graham tracked us down, wrapped a protective arm around my waist, shot Jimmy a slightly dirty look, and walked off with me.
I don't have anything else to say on that subject.
A week ago today, I was with Graham, grateful to feel him again. Four months of no physical contact can do that to a person. It was pure bliss, pure heaven, pure anything positive one could ever imagine. I'll never forget those two days, and they'll be in my mind always for the next three months before he and I have another three weeks together and mark our one year together. I miss him.
School tomorrow; yay? Too much homework, and so little time on Easter...
<3 Luna
Had the weirdest dream last night: my boyfriend Graham and I were, for some reason, attending this art thing at a local YMCA when my ex Jimmy showed up, pulled me aside (though dragged is a much better word), and started attacking me with kisses against an outside wall. I was resisting as best I could, and eventually he calmed down so we could talk. Well, he wanted me to hear him out, and I did. All he discussed was his utter lust for this girl at his school, but yet how he missed me; Graham tracked us down, wrapped a protective arm around my waist, shot Jimmy a slightly dirty look, and walked off with me.
I don't have anything else to say on that subject.
A week ago today, I was with Graham, grateful to feel him again. Four months of no physical contact can do that to a person. It was pure bliss, pure heaven, pure anything positive one could ever imagine. I'll never forget those two days, and they'll be in my mind always for the next three months before he and I have another three weeks together and mark our one year together. I miss him.
School tomorrow; yay? Too much homework, and so little time on Easter...
<3 Luna
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